Pieces of me

Pieces of me

In Highschool

I used to fantasize all the time

That by this age, I'd be this far.

That I would have accomplished everything I wanted 

A beautiful relationship

With a beautiful family 

The way I was raised 

I was instilled with this simplistic Hope & Ideal

That with the fire of my heart's desires 

I can and would accomplish anything

That Life and Love are intertwined 

You accomplish one then you'll have the other

Call this boy-ish fantasy what you will

But the truth is?

I was too prideful to attain those boy-ish fantasies 

Too Prideful to love myself the way I needed to be loved

And in return be able to give myself to someone. 

God was I prideful. 

I don't really know what it was

But I was obsessed with Love

Yet had no clue how to get it

To find it, and to function with it. 

I never had a hard time attracting someone

But what I did isn't something you can call dating 

I'd never had a functional relationship

Up until I was married

Imagine how My marriage went.. 

1 then 2 failed by the age of 30

At the time

I felt like my whole life amounted to nothing

A pandemic hit

I lost my job

And I became lost 

I was shattered.

In Hindsight I can honestly say 

It took all of everything 

The Abuse

The Darkness

To find myself 

Then to emerge from the light again

Then, a cataclysmic event happened

I met you. 

You changed it all for me

In true Shaun Fashion

I immediately became obsessed 

I still wasn't in a place to love 

I was still in darkness

Yet, somehow 

Slowly but truly 

You broke through all of my walls

With an amazing therapist

I broke free 

And for me

I found my first Great Love. 

For though we weren't able to be 

I'd never loved anyone the way I loved You

So through sickness, heartache, and pain

With all of the beautiful parts that made us awesome

I stuck through it all. 

The rest is to be written..

I still love you.

But we're not together.. 

And though I felt like I was forced with the impossible task of moving on from you

I've done the best I can

The days have gotten better with the time away 

I'm not feeling as heavy as I did yesterday 

I don't look for you anymore with every white Audi I see

But my hell do I still miss you.

So, wherever you are now

We'll have to settle with my love being sent on the wings of a prayer

That like so many times you've turned to me in the past

Look for me in the warmth you feel on a cold day

Or that bit of joy you found when you've needed a pick me up

Or that smile that came from nowhere

Darlin' even though we can't be together 

You still have the pieces of me I gave to you those many days ago

That love, those memories, the support. 

And if you need help with a new Shirley

Call me, I'll be right there.