The Depth of a Soul..

Hello, hello! I'm not where I'm supposed to be, And right now, I'm all about you. Here is a little rhyme, something you can grin for, something you'll never forget. Oh that look in your eye is too much, But you'll thank me later. Hello, hello! It's time to smile! I'm not where I'm supposed to be, but the people all around are calling, and I couldn't say no.  Oh that look on your face is killin' me, and I love it! Hello Hello!   Today marks the day! The day we decided to start a new. We'll chose a life of meaning, and world of hope, a live of you and me. Wouldn't that be lovely?  Would you help me? I need to sober up, and get over myself. It'll be the best decision of your life, I promise. Hello Hello! I've spent a long time in the grey, and I'm ready to see color again. Let that color be you!  I see that smirk now, I knew you'd love it! See?

Have you ever felt, So lost in your mind that you can't see out? That you're lost in the fluff, Lost in the mess? The mess of your actions? Cleaning up, to put away. Yet you never started. I'm tired. I still hurt, Though not like I did.  I remember the days when a smile was truly a smile, When I was 100% genuine, no baggage, no pain.  Now it feels like a fake attempt to mask the scars underneath. Most days are better than this one, but today I'll feel, I'll take off the mask and lay it all out. When I think of love, I think of pain. This mess is mine, wrapped up in a bow by her.  I've come to understand and accept, that I can't change the uncontrollable, but I can change me. I can be a better version of me. It's never easy, and today, well today I'm don't want to fight. This mess of mine, Though almost clean, It still lingers. I remember that time, it was after a fig

I feel so: Mad, Angry, and Helpless. I feel so: Overwhelmed I'm underwhelmed. I feel so: Tired, so lost, so confused, so over this. Over this feeling, Over this tension, Over the pain, Over the hurt. I feel so: Tired I can't sleep, awake I can't think, drained I can't think... I feel so: Angry, sometimes I can't move. I react faster than I should, Sometimes I take everyone and thing the wrong way. It hasn't been an easy road, But that excuse I will not allow. I am better than this, better than that. Even as such, I will let my self be. I will be angry, Then let it go. I will be mad, Then get over it. I will be overwhelmed then let it out. Tired to allow myself to breath, Lost so I can find, Confused to remember, Over this to get to there. I can stop to think, Stop to reset, Take them the wrong way, to learn the right way, and never excuse, But to excuse these feelings, as it's okay. I can breath, and

I'm doing well, the famous words of an addict. A pain that never fully leaves, the long desire of unfulfilled passions. Pain that rests, in the deep recesses of your soul. My dearest friend, my dearest home.. Sometimes I can forget that it wasn't that long ago, I couldn't see passed the hue of grey and black. A darkness that took hold, the only thing that was pure. Now it just lingers, the unwanted shadow, the unavoidable reminder.. A league of broken thoughts, The numbness of a shattered world, Daemons that lingered, Fires that overwhelmed... I climbed through this, bit by bit, step by step. Somehow I made it, even as such, Occasionally I am reminded of it, The unwanted passenger, That pain that rests in the recesses of my soul.. It's so far away at times, yet only a trigger, a memory a way.. sometimes I can't help but remember, I don't dwell on it, not like I used to. I'm not numb anymore. I can maintain consciousnes

Home. A place where I can go, to take this off my shoulders. A place where I can be safe, thoughtful, with a peace of heart. A place where I find a Quiet light, and bask in it's sweet serenity. This place, A place where I can go. To take this off my shoulders, A place where this new found Quiet Light resides. That sweet serenity, That peace.. Please, take me home.. (This:  That constant feeling of, being out of place, not quite sure, with pain as the constant companion) So I'm learning, to lay with this Quiet Light. It's a place where I've learned how not to die inside a little, Every time I think about how it could have been, Or what it never will be. This place where I am learning, That love isn't scary, That trusting again is the next step. Please come, and take me home. See? I've always been a confident person, One who is aware, One who knows. I used to leap before I thought, and Dove before I knew how deep. Now I lay i

A little piece before I rest my head, A little snap shot into my heart. I started writing 5 different things tonight, only 2 finished, but this will be the only thing I share at this moment. I've been numb for quite sometime. I've been hurt too no avail, twisted and dark, and oh how that pain left it's dark mark. I'll say that for a time, I even catered to it. I'm not ashamed. For I'll bring that pain with me  everywhere I go, and never forget. For now I can say, empathy rules my life, and I can feel, and these feelings are better than they ever have been. You see, That now is the first time in quite sometime, I can sleep peacefully at night. That my heart can feel again, That not only can I be me again, but a better version thereof. I still struggle, as does everyone. Somethings will be with me till the last, but I can feel again, and I can cope. I've relearned how to live, And living I will do to the fullest. For my hear

In the heart of a warrior. The focus, and grit. Giving up is not an option, Giving in is unheard of. Fighting till the end, Pushing to your final limits. I've heard the call, and I've risen up. Time to fight. The enemy is clear, The way is open. Knowing when to stop, to come back around and try again. Standing up, and never sitting down. The goal is clear, your gait is set. Everyday, and every moment You you face the challenge, and relish in it's repose. I move to find, Seek to see. I wont give up, and I wont give in. I have the heart of a warrior. Focused, and unrelenting. Its not just about winning, but it's about conquering. I've spent my time meandering. But not anymore. NOT anymore.  I will stand back up, and I wont give in. I am who I set out to be. This has been a long time coming, and has been for sometime. This time, is my time. I'm done apologizing, Done feeling sorry. I have repented, I have forgi

A chance, The chance? Learning how to jump. Or figuring out what it is that's worthy of jumping for? Crippling something before it started, Or maybe not jumping because you're scared? That's why it's called a leap of faith. It scared me once or twice that you weren't willing to. But out of respect I wouldn't ever say other wise. Who am I to tell you what to do? No one. You can't be told how to feel, Or to act. So it ends with you. Just not feeling to the extent possible. Or not wanting to I guess.. The ledge has been there. Soon there won't be anyone to jump for. Unless you find someone new. For this someone might not be able to catch you. That's if you don't do it soon... If you can't take that leap, Then I have to back out. I don't want to be ahead of you. I can't do that again. For I've done something similar to it before. You're worth it for me. But I'll have to take my space. And pr

I didn't know you, but yet I knew you. The hope of a better tomorrow, the light on your face, the brightness of your eyes. Your sister would have loved.. The thought of you being here is but a smile I can only hope to witness again. You are gone, You are gone... The timing was wrong, The thought's nothing but pain. The idea of, the hope of. It's not fair, for so many reasons. And so it feels like, It feels like... Heavens so far away, and nobody cares. The World's grown cold, and I'm still here. The thoughts are fleeting, but the pain is still there. I haven't dealt with it, I ran from the thoughts.. Now it's here. The thought of holding your sister, and knowing you could have been.. I'm hoping that you were given another chance, That somehow, someway, You were given another home. A home with two loving parents, functionality. It would't have been that way with us, A broken home to be, A broken world to co

A source of sadness one may say. The act of being trapped in the confines of ones mind. A never ending cycle, until it breaks. To stepping out of the circle, figuring out the needs from within. I can't say it enough, Or pretend to be any more clear. Pain comes in all forms, some evaporates initially, others linger indefinitely. A pain that resonates to the very core. A never ending loop. Happy to sad, and despair to anger, to despair and a sense of loss. I'm so tired of this, yet it's normal. Rationally I can say "Okay, let's do this." When in reality I just want to scream. Will it stop? Can my mind move on? Can the sense of loss ever dissipate? Can I see the end, and not just the middle? Why can't I be done feeling.. Now this is okay. This is the path I'm on. I can survive as I will survive. Sometimes I just want to quit. Quit feeling the pain, and enjoy the peace. I want to enjoy the sunlight again, Not liv

A day's gone, The night spent, A hope played, A connection made, To chasing dreams, To making it home. The train of ones mind, Down the endless corridors to their soul. Stuck in the meta, Stuck in the fog, The never ending rail. I can't get out of my head, I can't leave my mind. To the over thoughts, To the not thought of enough. All are trespassing the stage of my mind. To dreams being put away, To hearts ever hanging on a thread, To love freely given. Begging to be set free, Wishing, Praying. You once told me, that to this day was reborn, To this day I met you, Yet, to this day you stayed away Tomorrow will be better than yesterday, Yet stuck in my mind, I stay. Don't worry about me, Don't worry about me. I'm better off than most, Better off than they. Heavens hope, And to Satan's bane. Dont worry about me, I'm just lost in my mind Help me please, see the error of my ways. Help me get it. For this end

A place I only go, The place I only feel. Where my mind rests, Where I feel whole, Feel loved. Where I can rest, Fill fulfilled, Back to the place where it started.. The smell of freshly cut grass, Or that summer southern breeze.. A light afternoon rain shower. Peace and hope. Two words I want more than anything else.  Take me to that southern barbecue, To the week long camp ground. That Thai restaurant we'd always go, To Wednesday night choir practices, Summer swim meets, Pep rallies and home foot ball games. Things have grown complicated, yet it's still simple, Back to that place... Holding Ivy in my arms, Those first moments she took breaths, she looked up at me the whole time, I was just some blog of light, but I'll never forget it. Home. Love. Laughs.  At the end of the day, I close my eyes and give my thanks to be alive. It's been a long road, It hasn't been easy. Even wit

A man of passion they say, A figment of imagination to most. A figure of outstanding grace, A lost soul who needs saving, A mirage of values, Yet to far gone to know his head from his ass. He walks through life, Admired by many, disgusted by some, Loved by a few. Intrigued by love, but not in love. Intrigue by light, Yet stands in darkness. The assumptive glance, or the calculated measure. Sick of the conclusions, Sick of the game. Tired of miscalculations, okay with the inevitable. Stop assuming, You assumptive ass. Just because I love the concept of love, Hell I write about it, Doesn't mean I'm in love. Addressing the questions, avoiding the answers. Facing the criticism, expecting the reality. Twisted by the ways of the world, Twisted by life, Tainted by Grace, A Tainted hope. With an Attained measure of it all. A man of passion, A figment of virtue, and Brushed with the lust of living. I was raised with conservative values, I

An old friend recently asked me how I was doing. Fine I said, Fine I say... Happy to be alive, Happy to be me. Glad to be at work, Glad to be amongst the walking. Excited for the unknown.. Yet, I wanted to say.. There's been a hole in my heart, Too wide to fill, Too wide to live with. It hurts. I heart. Sure I'm a year better than 6 months ago, and I feel more me than ever, It is true. And please... I know I've been through a lot. I know I cant control what has been, Just what will. I get this. Yet at times, I still get caught up in the should haves, The what could of's and the always tomorrow. I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed. And at the base of it, There's always more I can do, Always more to be. The drain keeps circling, and sometimes I feel like I keep on the rounding. I know better.. Yet I still try to control the uncontrollable's, Sometimes I can't stop, or so I've felt. Everyday is a new fight, fi

You spend your whole life trying. Your whole life working towards something, An idea, A dream, A hope. All for you to come to this point. A point you feel like you shouldn't be at, Yet you are. You've met people, You have family, love ones. People know you from across the world, from the restaurant next door, to the people you've gotten close to. People love you, people know you, yet... for all of it.. You feel... Empty. Emptiness. A series of not so great decisions, lead you down a hole you have to now climb out of. When the music stops, when the noise settles. After the show is finished, and people fall asleep, empty... You're alone now. By choice, by design. Yet it doesn't make it feel any better. You'd rather be alone, than where you were not that long ago, yet.. Emptiness falls hard. So now I must man up, Get back to the life I want to build, Prepare for the life I need to have, The life I want. I prepare for he

You know that famous lane, When one door closes another opens? To that end I've come, and to that end I've learn to just say, fuck it. I've been through so many changes, all so suddenly, I feel like I can barely figure out which direction to go, before another change comes a knocking. Though it is what it is, and maybe it's my own doing, I'm tired.. and want a home. Though I may see it, It's not that easy. Though I may live it, I'm also trapped by it. Trapped in in the walls of change, Trapped in the imaginary prism of my mind. Consistency is my sanity. Though I enjoy a change in pace, I do love my loves. And enjoy those enjoys. I have everything I need, I feel all one would want to feel, Yet, more is always on the way, I guess I can't have everything now. I still need more. More is not always the answer, Yet at least the change is for the better. Looking at my daughter, I feel the change that's come, and the cha

I stand for truth, to stand for right. I Understand the gravity of my actions, while aiming to change it all. Never settling for mediocre, yet understanding that being the best, only comes after countless hours invested.   I will stop to think, I will stop to realize. I stand at the foot of the mountain, a height Ive been climbing for some time. Knowing the truth, Understanding the pain. Light comes, Darkness follows. I understand the pain, I understand love. Never hesitating, never wavering. I will rewrite my story, rewrite the expectations. I know me, I know what works, Yet all never hesitate to learn what I don't.  Staying committed, or falling for anything. Experiencing the pitfalls of life, or the pain wrought upon the consequences of miss-stepping. I'm not afraid to go the extra mile, But will understand before hand what it entails.  Blind faith is not an option anymore, I will understand, I

You are there. I've never doubted it, but I've felt so cold, so alone, so lost. You are there to save me, I know I can't save myself. Can you show me the way? Can I have a life line? Sometimes I feel like I'm falling, Most times I get caught, Caught in the question, Caught in a prayer. I can't decide if, My thoughts are different, or the feeling from my heart.. One in the same they may say,  yet oh so different it is. I can't discover the light,  while laying in the darkness. Yet kneeling, I can search my soul and the cosmos open bare. Bearing my soul to wake, Barring my soul from sin. Kneeling in darkness is better than, standing alone, so cold, so alone, so lost. Searching for clarity, Lost in my mind.  You've told me before, Yet I seem to forget. Help me remember, help me to find. So I just close my eyes, and open my heart. To you I will go, To you I will wond

Chasing the light, finding the dark. Looking out beyond, seeing only a grey fog. A movie, what is this? A picture perfect ending? Impossible. Yet it reminds you of, A feeling previously written. Someday, Some time, a wondering heart, found it's home. The darkness parted, hope planted it's root. In this movie, they were told to be patient, told to be kind, told to live life to it's fullest. Somewhere, at some time, They forgot this advice, They forgot how to dance, forgot how to live. Skinny love, Where did you go? Why can't you be with me now? The Boy said to the girl... Somewhere you knew, At some point... She saw. Staring at the ceiling you find the answer. It was there all along. The boy found the girl, but the girl was't ready. She couldn't hold true, as he could't be patient. The answer you may say, Lies at the root of it all. Come on skinny love, Make it home. The girl found her answer, and it was b

A light from above, Enters in your heart. A glimmer of once was, Maybe again... It's as it should be. The lightness of mind, A simplistic bliss. An easy smile, A full heart. The smile at the thought of, Two hearts that speak. One may never know, The other can only hope. You start to whistle, You can almost skip. Work seems more fulfilled, Things just make more sense. So you just whistle. You can't help but light up at the thought of, or the reality of what you've been missing. If but for a moment, Hold onto this. Don't let it go. Something has changed, You can't put a finger on it.. Maybe once upon a time, Yet it's returned. You had it once upon a time, How this reminds you of it. This can be real, This can be hope. Hope is alive again, This expression of elation. You can feel hope again, You can see the skies aren't grey. It's not over yet. Much is left to be said. Much still needs to grow. But what matt

Light and dark. Angles and demons. White, then Black Shadow's, and Clarity. Time, and the End of time. It seemed so easy. Gaging the right, from the wrong. They say that knowing, Resonates from your soul, But it’s not so easy, For they deemed different. For they who see the world differently, See the world in a many colored multiverse.  There aren't two colors, but 1000's.  The primary colors start as 3, then the rainbow into the whole damn light spectrum.  How can it just be right, and wrong? It's what you know, compared to what you feel. Life... the living.  Never what it seems. Carin, where are you now? You said you knew, You said you saw.  You blamed it on me, and I didn't care. It's that damn conclusion. Which I'm okay with. Innocence scattered above. Yet there you remained. Carin. You blamed it on me, and I didn't care. The right from the wrong, The wrong from t

Thing's happen, and happens to be, Hell, you even knew. That morning after. The day after, the morning there of. The difference between the Afflicted and the introverted. The last to know, or the last to realize. In love with, or loved by. You found out, That morning after. Now I feel mixed up, when straight was the way, While spinning on my side. The morning after made more sense. I can be that fool, or an exception to the rule. Either decided, or having to decide. It's the difference of thought, with the action involved. The Morning after. how could I have known? Wait, I was still around. You did tell me, but I would't listen until, the morning after. No one says, then it shows. Either they want you, or they don't. Feeling like shit, Until the morning after. Waiting for actions, is what most people who know, the difference is between the night before, and the morning after. Wait and see, Then they pay. You'll be

Looking at you, Looking at me, This is so us. Yet why is it them? They knew your name, She knew my face, When is it coming? It's the same story, With a different name. A story long told, Long past, Yet it's a new rhyme, New tale. The car is still running, My feet are still below me. That same place you knew, And I knew. Somehow I can't get through, Or around. We both know, but can't tell. The car is still running, and my feet are still moving. Not wanting to face what's in front of me, But terrified of going back, Back to that place, Back to that time... Can this be? Can it be real? How is this? Late at night I can hear this sound, The river is too deep, and I've forgotten how to swim. I'm not supposed to feel this way, But I know it's name, and you know it's face. Yet we can't face it. So we keep the car running, and our feet moving. I can tell, and you can see. Lookin' at you, looki

To the river we go, hand in hand, arm in arm. Sunlight shining, oh! we're in the light now. Smiling, sitting, wishing. On a prayer, or on a heartbeat. We emanate our desires, and wish for the feeling, that hope to come true. Oh you know, and so do I. A call from a friend, and note in a book. An old photograph, a friendly reminder. Thank you. I have a lot more of "you's" that I even knew I had. Love is all around, Hope is still there. With a smile, with a hope, an out reached hand, with a firm grim. Now. here I am, and at least for today, the sun is shining, and that wind still a blowin' It's a summer's breeze in a frozen winter morning. A much needed warmth.

The thoughts of dreams laid bare. Hopes and feelings made manifest. To each and every moment, wrapped in a tiny bow. A memory to hold onto, and a feeling to remind you. Oh, you're still alive, and you still have a home. A picture frame with no picture in it. No position can merit it, No point of view can see it, a still-frame can't capture it. Staying in touch with reality, while still living in your dream world. An impossible nightmare, I'd rather not wait for. Where does the lying separate from the truth? I've been there once before, and I won't go back. Staying two steps ahead, but always behind. An oxymoron, but sums up my life. Finding the swirling color, and realizing that black and white would have worked better. Contradicting sentences, make more sense than the thoughts of my head. Yet it does make sense, give me more time... Everyday I struggle with, the concept that life still goes on, when for so many people, they

At the start of all of this, you couldn't have imagined it getting so bad. People thought you were happy, Well, People had no idea. One can only hide it so well... The reality is: You can't see the light in the darkness. Sadness. You can only lie to yourself for so long, because at the end of the day, you know better. He said he was't alone, She said that she was happy. You knew better. The detachment, The blatant escaping... What is he doing? Where is she going? The thoughts swirl, and your stomach churns. Your head is pounding, You've been beaten lower than you could imagine. And that fucking pain, Oh how it hurts so much. It's been going on for so long, So long... Where did he go? What is she doing? It's so obvious, Yet he won't say, She won't share. The days are blurs, you know something is wrong. You can't feel him anymore, She doesn't see you anymore. You don't quite understand the pain you fee

I've got this story and it's almost finished, I just need someone to tell it to. Maybe that's you. I've finally found a safe place, A place to be me. Let's take a trip back in time, to memories, too long caged in. Those pictures of time, wrapped in a tiny frame. That world we knew, Was like a time share spent every summer, but lived every day. The loves, those joys, with you, I had you. .. We had it all. It felt like a dream, Yet it was real. The sunshine on my face, those summer breezes not often enough felt, Yet like shots adrenaline you revitalized my spirit. Home. Skinny dipping in lakes, canoeing, Cliff jumping, Near life experiences, man that was close. Yet I wouldn't trade it for the world. We're only just as happy as everyone else thinks we are, Yet how much fun it always was. Those summer sunsets, always spent till those morning sunrises. Oh how it feels like sunshine.. The Happiness. You could see it. I could s