Good Morning
Another morning waking up as if it was a dream.
Well it was a dream, another night with sara in my dreams.
Tis a good thing that she is on my mind I guess. I don't know why I keep dreaming about her. They are very pleasant, my dreams, about her. always the sense of companionship and Love. Two full hearts intertwined as if they were one entity. A place of solace and peace, with security. My time with her wasn't quite like that. Much to the contrary on many occasions. It was hard for her to have me with her; which was a trial of our relationship. I always pushed to move forward, she wanted to step backwards, as I showed love it wasn't always reciprocated.
I wish I could change things, start it again on a new foot, under a different light.I wish I could have been more patient, I still am but more patient during critical points of our relationship, sin tempted me and such temptation affected my movements and the way I acted back then. To think that I had once let my sin and temptation govern my way of thinking and my actions kill me. To think that I let satan tempt me to think certain ways which drove us apart drives me insane. Well I can't think about it, I am on the right foot for repentance, and I will curve that appetite. If I have lost sara, it would not have been in vain. I will always hold what I have learned from her close to my heart.
She Tried so so hard, and to her credit I still don't understand why she wanted me, I am unlike anything or anyone she's dated in her past. I don't even look like those she's dated in the past. What's funny is that it's the same way on my end. She looks different and is completely different from all of the other girls I've dated. I love those differences though. I loved testing those water because she is so unique and stand outish. I love her quirkiness, and personality. The way she see's things, the way she perceives things is so very attractive to me. I love her style and sense of tastes. I will always remember those times I've seen her at the BC. She is such a joy physically to have a around. She is so beautiful. When she's herself she is so great to have at social functions as well. I love the way she brings humor in settings, and how she acts herself in a underlining cynical yet funny way. I love watching fashion shows with her, or watching her float around a pool on a purple noodle. haha I love how she is always thinking of new creative ways to do things. I love her art and her ever girls. I loved that even when she was off, i couldn't stop my desire to want to be with her. Man I could go on... I love the way she walk, always with a purpose, always early or on time, and never late. I love the color of her hair, and how she always want's to change it but never does. lol (I think she didn't because of me) I love how she would never just come out and tell me her thoughts. (actually it drove me crazy but I came to love it) I love our times together the good and the bad. These are what will mark her for me in my life. These thoughts and joys are what my dreams are full of.
Nothing that had happened in our relationship was so bad that we couldn't look over it in the future, If we chose to, things could work out. I would love for it to, but many times I wake up have had a great dream about her only to remember that many times she had to force herself to like me/ love me. It was hard for her to love Shaun Arenas, she felt like she had to make me a certain person to fully love me. Mainly because I don't have the same qualities that shawn has. I am not like her as he was... Hard pill to swallow but I've been swallowing that pill for many of the days that had encompassed our relationship together. But I can't stop thinking of the positive about her, from her.
I feel that these writing sessions are helping me to come to grips with myself. Helping me find myself again and realize what could have been done for my sake. One things for certain, I truly loved her and still do. I can't look upon another without remembering Sara's endearing traits that I have held so dear to me. But see - I realize these things, she hasn't yet on her end. I've often felt an emptiness in my heart when it came to love from her. She couldn't outright say that she deeply loved me as I have her, she couldn't even tell me that she would pass up shawn if the hypothetical time came when he was 100% clean and good. Part of her longs for him.... It hard to feel that void.
Well no more negative I've accepted sara to the to the point I would have waited for years to see such a change of heart come over her. Yet strangely I feel that I am more closer now than ever to see what exactly our time together meant to her. As she goes on without me, she will have to come to grips with exactly what role I played in her heart; If she misses me or if she would rather move on. She will have to discover things for herself and then be able to welcome it full heartily.
I am a poor writer, thank the Lord that this is my journal... But I want to end to today with my heart unfolded. I love change, I love how God can send changes upon us that helps us become who he wants us to be. I hate sin and the effects from it. I hate the sins I have committed. I hate who I had become because of them. Yet I am so grateful with who I am becoming now. I see the light of purity starting to come back into my life and I love it! I am cleaning out my closet, so-to-speak, and I feel that I am forever throwing away those lusts and desires that had haunted me with during my time with Sara. It has been a long road but I am thankful for it.
--Shaun
Well it was a dream, another night with sara in my dreams.
Tis a good thing that she is on my mind I guess. I don't know why I keep dreaming about her. They are very pleasant, my dreams, about her. always the sense of companionship and Love. Two full hearts intertwined as if they were one entity. A place of solace and peace, with security. My time with her wasn't quite like that. Much to the contrary on many occasions. It was hard for her to have me with her; which was a trial of our relationship. I always pushed to move forward, she wanted to step backwards, as I showed love it wasn't always reciprocated.
I wish I could change things, start it again on a new foot, under a different light.I wish I could have been more patient, I still am but more patient during critical points of our relationship, sin tempted me and such temptation affected my movements and the way I acted back then. To think that I had once let my sin and temptation govern my way of thinking and my actions kill me. To think that I let satan tempt me to think certain ways which drove us apart drives me insane. Well I can't think about it, I am on the right foot for repentance, and I will curve that appetite. If I have lost sara, it would not have been in vain. I will always hold what I have learned from her close to my heart.
She Tried so so hard, and to her credit I still don't understand why she wanted me, I am unlike anything or anyone she's dated in her past. I don't even look like those she's dated in the past. What's funny is that it's the same way on my end. She looks different and is completely different from all of the other girls I've dated. I love those differences though. I loved testing those water because she is so unique and stand outish. I love her quirkiness, and personality. The way she see's things, the way she perceives things is so very attractive to me. I love her style and sense of tastes. I will always remember those times I've seen her at the BC. She is such a joy physically to have a around. She is so beautiful. When she's herself she is so great to have at social functions as well. I love the way she brings humor in settings, and how she acts herself in a underlining cynical yet funny way. I love watching fashion shows with her, or watching her float around a pool on a purple noodle. haha I love how she is always thinking of new creative ways to do things. I love her art and her ever girls. I loved that even when she was off, i couldn't stop my desire to want to be with her. Man I could go on... I love the way she walk, always with a purpose, always early or on time, and never late. I love the color of her hair, and how she always want's to change it but never does. lol (I think she didn't because of me) I love how she would never just come out and tell me her thoughts. (actually it drove me crazy but I came to love it) I love our times together the good and the bad. These are what will mark her for me in my life. These thoughts and joys are what my dreams are full of.
Nothing that had happened in our relationship was so bad that we couldn't look over it in the future, If we chose to, things could work out. I would love for it to, but many times I wake up have had a great dream about her only to remember that many times she had to force herself to like me/ love me. It was hard for her to love Shaun Arenas, she felt like she had to make me a certain person to fully love me. Mainly because I don't have the same qualities that shawn has. I am not like her as he was... Hard pill to swallow but I've been swallowing that pill for many of the days that had encompassed our relationship together. But I can't stop thinking of the positive about her, from her.
I feel that these writing sessions are helping me to come to grips with myself. Helping me find myself again and realize what could have been done for my sake. One things for certain, I truly loved her and still do. I can't look upon another without remembering Sara's endearing traits that I have held so dear to me. But see - I realize these things, she hasn't yet on her end. I've often felt an emptiness in my heart when it came to love from her. She couldn't outright say that she deeply loved me as I have her, she couldn't even tell me that she would pass up shawn if the hypothetical time came when he was 100% clean and good. Part of her longs for him.... It hard to feel that void.
Well no more negative I've accepted sara to the to the point I would have waited for years to see such a change of heart come over her. Yet strangely I feel that I am more closer now than ever to see what exactly our time together meant to her. As she goes on without me, she will have to come to grips with exactly what role I played in her heart; If she misses me or if she would rather move on. She will have to discover things for herself and then be able to welcome it full heartily.
I am a poor writer, thank the Lord that this is my journal... But I want to end to today with my heart unfolded. I love change, I love how God can send changes upon us that helps us become who he wants us to be. I hate sin and the effects from it. I hate the sins I have committed. I hate who I had become because of them. Yet I am so grateful with who I am becoming now. I see the light of purity starting to come back into my life and I love it! I am cleaning out my closet, so-to-speak, and I feel that I am forever throwing away those lusts and desires that had haunted me with during my time with Sara. It has been a long road but I am thankful for it.
--Shaun
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