Hurt. Finding a way through.

So, I hurt.

This pain,

oh this pain..

I can feel it.

I can see it.

It clouds my head.

It clouds my heart.

It fills me with anxiety.

It attacks my confidence,

It paralyzes my senses.

It's drawing out insecurities I thought overcome.

My pain feels like it has a mind of it's own.

It wants me to be irrational,

Bashful,

and Spiteful.

It's calling my brain to be cloudy.

It knows I'm feeling too much.

My brain wants to implode,

To numb,

To draw inwards,

To collapse..

It's calling me to be irrational,

To feel the desire to lash out,

To Fuck my world, and everyone in it.

It's calling out to my baser instincts and threaten to vie for control.

Now, I feel like I'm falling..

I feel like I'm spiraling,

I feel like I'm hopeless,

Helpless..

That all of my best laid plans have collapsed,

Those feelings of irrelevancy,

Those feelings of insignificance.. 

This is the cycle of thoughts and feelings I am experiencing. 

All of the above, 

Rather it's for hours at a time,

Or for minutes.

All of it is there.

My goal and desire is to figure out why and how I get here. 

As I get sad, the cycle repeats to anger.

This pain,

My pain is overwhelming at this moment.

See? 

This is a repetitive cycle of sadness,

That starts with anger, 

Before it can move to remorse,

This, until my better sense of can judgment take over.

After which I can then realize that all of these feelings happened,

In a span of 24 hours.

The cause of this pain is irrelevant,

As all of the harbored feelings,

are just that. 

Inward expressions of a reaction to an event in my life;

Caused as a result of a trigger.

But the trigger is just that, and not the cause of this.. 

The root is much deeper,

Much harder to see.

I've learned that to see it,

I need to ride this beast.

But to not let it ride me.

Learn to let go what's been harbored.

Let go of my pain.

To accept it,

but not let it win.

I'm not okay with what's transpired,

Just accepting the results.

For I've done my share,

I've done my part. 

It's true.

I hurt more than even these words can describe.

But I can harness this,

I can move passed it. 

Learning to isolate my triggers,

and find those ways to overcome them. 

Find a way to become stronger than my pain.

Stronger than the strength I felt before all of this..

To this end I will persevere towards.