A letter from before

Here's a letter you may never get,
Yet a letter that needs to be written.

Something that should have been sent a while ago.

Now it's being brought from the archives.

I don't know where to go from here,

other than to define my the array of feelings I'm currently experiencing,

when thinking of you.

It's a mixture of anger,

Anxiety, sadness, a heaviness I can't seem to shake, 

with a heavy sense of betrayal.

It's also with a proper mixture of Love,

sincere happiness, the level of companionship,

Comfortability & compatibility.

A foundational love and relationship that is being shaken to the core. 

It's hard to put into words exactly,

The why or the reasons for me feeling this way.

You've seen the outliers lately,

and as always, I'm seeking a way through this.

For starters,

I know the root of these thoughts and feelings stem from deeply embetted insecurities,

but also valid emotional reactions, most people would have,

with the sense of loss I am currently experiencing. 

Though one could argue, I should have known better.

True.

You would still say:

"we are just friends, 

Even best of friends,

Even with you being "my person"

Even if I love you sincerely,

Even with our amazing, true, and deep connection,

Even if we would play house, and love it,

That although, I don't ultimately have any reasons that can't be overcome, 

I still need to explore other options, with other people.

I do still need you, want you, and will turn to you for comfort..

I need to live my life,

Meet other people- with whatever that entails,

and you, you should do the same.."

So am I to tee it up for others to take?

Always being what you need, yet getting scraps,

While others get your best pieces?

Yes I did know,

that you may arrive at this point,

That this day may come.

True. Maybe I should have known that even with all of the momentous

experiences we've recently shared,

with all of the deep connective moments we've also experienced,

You've always kept a mental way out,

You never did change the narrative,

You always kept a way to forgo, in a way,

all of the relationship building we've done,

and still seek the companionship and or the opportunity of other men. 

For, at the end of the day, 

You never did change the playing field.

I just hoped, that with all of these things,

You would choose me, 

and see this for what is in your heart.

For all of the things we've built together..

This also is still truth:

"That although you have called frequently,

That I would come up frequently,

Or for those dates we would share,

with your occasionally brought meal,

I do hear your words that I matter to you.

Yet,

I also see/ feel that you actively seek ways to avoid me,

That too much of me,

Would give off the wrong impressions,

That it would be better to limit our interactions even more.

That at overall, you still very much have one foot in,

and one foot out or so it seems.

That even if I am the first man to ever have truly understood you,

to have loved you unconditionally,

stood by you through thick and thin,

It still seems and feels,

Like I'm still not enough for you.

That you would rather distance yourself from me,

instead of fighting for me. 

All of this, is the conundrum I am facing here.

That even though you say we're just friends,

We've been more than, and interact in ways married people do.

Married people who are happy,

and truly enjoy one another on every level.

We fit into each others lives in ways I haven't yet experienced..

You've never been alone with me in your life,

and even at your darkest of hours,

I've been there to hold you up.

Take your tears,

and prop you back up to continue.

I could theory craft for hours all of the many reason you are this way.

Ultimately, to me, it just boils down to this:

you won't allow yourself to truly and completely believe in us,

and to give it a 100% shot.

That even if I make you feel safe on so many levels,

Fulfilled in so many ways,

you still can't accept all of everything about me. 

I know you haven't set out to hurt me,

Nor do you seek to,

and that you knowing I'm hurting brings you a sincere form of sorrow.

I'm not seeking answers here,

I'm aiming to release to you the thoughts and feelings as to why I am reacting this way.

For right now,

The sense of uncertainty I'm feeling from you,

feels like a foundational love/ relationship is being ripped out from under me,

and even with me knowing this could happen,

I hurt.

I feel lost.

I feel blind. 

I feel like I'm losing this momentous thing we've built,

and it scares the shit out of me.

and instead of you trying to save this ship,

You'll put it out of your mind,

and figure I'll just come back,

that the grass is still greener on the other side...