Skinny Love

 

Is it a lie when you say you're okay?

When you say:

"I'm doing well thanks for asking."

It's always about what's behind the words,

Where, for many the real meanings lie.. 

These are the words you want to say,

Wish you could,

or at least someday when it's more appropriate...

"No I'm not well,

I miss you and this shouldn't be a thing

Why? why can't two people who clearly care about each other,

have all of the chemistry in the world,

Love each other passionately..

Why can't these two people make it work?

What is the hold up?"

You pretend that things are going well,

even with you trying to make a shit situation better,

Even when you're bettering yourself,

Your heart still hurts,

Your head won't let it rest..

What you want to say,

Yet it shouldn't be said,

You want her to hold onto the good memories of you,

remember the why she loved/ loves you.

Even if that's not enough.

"I'm so damn mad at you.

Things were supposed to be different.

Even at the lows of us, I had something to hold onto,

You ripped that away with your words.

You broke my trust when all I wanted was someone to stand with me,

be the support I gave you.

Not solve my issues,

Not resolve my life's problems.."

"I love you and I meant it.

I believe you when you say it,

and hope you find your way back to what you want.

That you do want me, and are willing to do something about it.

Instead of waiting for a text,

be the first text,

instead of waiting to come over,

You just come over,

You do,

Not react,

You not only say it and mean it,

You start thinking it, and doing it."

"I'm glad you liked the flowers,

I think about you as well..."

"Our night was cut short,

The best part had yet to be.

I'm angry that I feel like you threw it back in my face,

Can't see that now is only the moment,

Not the forever,

That even at my lowest,

It's still better than most,

and just a phase.

This is me,

and I am better that what you see."

"Someday when this part of my life is behind me,

When I find my ground again. 

I hope you don't regret this,

I pray that you can find the root, cause, and understanding of your insecurity.

Is it really that bad that on that path we were on,

would have led to more?

To you and me together?

Is it really that bad that you're willing to throw it all away?"

"I swear I feel like I've been a mess for so long,

Haven't been able to find my proper footing since before 2010.

I've always sought the solutions externally.

Before you,

that's how it's always been.

Then I found my inner peace.

The love for myself I've lacked for so long.

And confidence from it.

The acknowledgement of my weaknesses,

and the willingness to clean up the mess I've made over the years.."

"With you? 

You were to be the beginning of a new Chapter I already started.

The continuation of a new story I already started.

The continuation of the man months to years of self reflection,

and recognition of my ability to be better on many levels.

Where I didn't depend on someone else for guidance or focus.

And I was so grateful for it. 

But alas, what I can't control is what you can't handle,

and my past is just what it is. My past. I haven't had the time to correct my present..."

So.

In closing..

This chapter closing,

isn't the closing of you out of my life,

just the closing of me answering for my past.

The answering for all the many ways I've fucked up my current situation,

and had gotten much less than I should have,

Dug a hole deeper instead of filling it in.

It's never too late to be better,

Or too late for a new beginning,

and like you said:

"That although we're going our separate ways our paths can indeed reconvene again"

I'd be Happy for those or that days/ days to happen.

We made too much history to ignore,

crossed to many deep rivers to not appreciate what can come from the other side.