The Depth of a Soul..

To the front,  To the back, To the highest of ups, And the lowest of downs. Having seen so much.. From heart break, To career shattering losses. To family deaths, and losses of all kind. Far from the end, Yet not far from the goals, To arrive and create some more. Happy to just be, Content in the peace found, Content with deep conversations, Connection to the deepest core. Not needing much to be happy, Yet to be driven, focused, and set. Never willing to settle. Never willing to strive for less than the hearts content.  Focused on it all.  Success on all levels, and only stop growing when death reaches the door step. Being willing to do whatever it takes, Not shying down because it's easy to. It's easy to talk a big talk when life has been easy. That has passed years and years ago. Having become so accustom to loss, Nothing phases me at this point. Yet never giving up, and never giving in, Is all I know. It's time to live the higher forms of what life can offer, Enjoy all...

As it should be. Simple, Easy.  Your sunkissed face looking up to mine, That smile spreading across your face, A glisten in your eyes, The smile on my face, The knowing it's reciprocated. It's easy loving you, It's simple, No dialogues, No complexities, It's you wanting me, Wanting you.  You put your head on my shoulder, We talk for hours, That instant draw, We click.  I can't tell you what tomorrow brings, But that sunkissed face, is all I can think of. The warmth of your smile, The warmth of your skin. Like your smell on my shirts. Oh you're so lovely, It's so easy loving on you. It's that summer breeze, brushing through our hair, My skin tingles with your touch, Butterflies.. Like Sunshine through the clouds after a rainy afternoon. You pushed back the clouds when I needed it the most. I can't say I'm all ready, but I'm all ready to try. And trying is so easy with you. That sunkissed face, Is what I see as I close my eyes, To open them tom...

A moment, A breath, A look, A touch, A kiss, An embrace. A moment to skip a beat, A moment to have it all. It only took such, To start a new. Though love is but a whisper, Through your embrace I can imagine what it might be, How it could be.  Slowly falling, Easily falling, For you, For that moment, and for the what ifs. What if this is real? What if this could be a thing? What if we could shatter then rebuild our lives? What if you stole my heart? What if I took yours? What if this is the time? What if now? What if it was true... A shift in energy, A shift in desire. A desire for something acted upon, A desire for something shared.  A desire to face our fears, and to jump together.  That though now is only a moment, And a moment we may only have. At least I dreamt, At least we felt. Too soon, Too far gone? Not soon enough. What if your face became the face in the crowd? That out of a thousand people I'd see you first, and only you. You'd hold my eye, You'd hold my desire...

I often wonder what I would tell my daughter, If she was at my age, and I were to impart my "fatherly" wisdom her way.  often laugh at the thought, Because hun, I'm sure you feel your life is a mess now, But so was mine. I promise you're better off than I was. Yet I survived. No I more than survived, I thrived.. See?  At 20 my life fell apart. 21 I was at a peak, the world was my oyster. 24 I had an income that surpassed most Drs. 25 I lost what I thought was everything, 27 I lost the rest. 29 I jumped into a mess, 30 I lost myself. 32 I thought I had it all rebuilt, 33 had to do it all over.. 34 I have all of this behind me. I’ve hit another breaking point. Yet with it all I have become the strongest I’ve ever been.  The weight of everything has come full circle. I have learned that  It’s impossible to look forward while looking back, And it’s also strength to let yourself crash. Because through weakness becomes strength. I am strong because I am weak. I am whole be...

So, I hurt. This pain, oh this pain.. I can feel it. I can see it. It clouds my head. It clouds my heart. It fills me with anxiety. It attacks my confidence, It paralyzes my senses. It's drawing out insecurities I thought overcome. My pain feels like it has a mind of it's own. It wants me to be irrational, Bashful, and Spiteful. It's calling my brain to be cloudy. It knows I'm feeling too much. My brain wants to implode, To numb, To draw inwards, To collapse.. It's calling me to be irrational, To feel the desire to lash out, To Fuck my world, and everyone in it. It's calling out to my baser instincts and threaten to vie for control. Now, I feel like I'm falling.. I feel like I'm spiraling, I feel like I'm hopeless, Helpless.. That all of my best laid plans have collapsed, Those feelings of irrelevancy, Those feelings of insignificance..  This is the cycle of thoughts and feelings I am experiencing.  All of the above,  Rather it's for hours at a t...

A moment in time, A blip of existence. What is time? What are relationships? All are many tiny moments. Shared time combined to make up a shared timeline. The interconnection of energy and moments. What is the purpose of it all? If the end of those moments, The end of that shared purpose, If it's slowly fading from view..  Is it better to die by a thousand cuts? Some may argue, It's better to just let go, save yourself from the pain. Why fight? What is there to save? When you know, It could be saved, with just minor efforts made, with just more tiny moments of care. When did you become invisible? When the other, The grand connection of your existence, has no clue what to say, no idea what to do, When you realize, That most of your, greatest and recent intimate moments shared, happened bc you were the one making them happen, and all they had to do was jump aboard.. Yet not really doing much, other than to follow along... Realizing that all is still there, Everything. The beauty ...

Here's a letter you may never get, Yet a letter that needs to be written. Something that should have been sent a while ago. Now it's being brought from the archives. I don't know where to go from here, other than to define my the array of feelings I'm currently experiencing, when thinking of you. It's a mixture of anger, Anxiety, sadness, a heaviness I can't seem to shake,  with a heavy sense of betrayal. It's also with a proper mixture of Love, sincere happiness, the level of companionship, Comfortability & compatibility. A foundational love and relationship that is being shaken to the core.  It's hard to put into words exactly, The why or the reasons for me feeling this way. You've seen the outliers lately, and as always, I'm seeking a way through this. For starters, I know the root of these thoughts and feelings stem from deeply embetted insecurities, but also valid emotional reactions, most people would have, with the sense of loss I am c...