Oh Take me Back..

So I told you a lie the other night,

It was one I understand why,

yet not proud of it.

I'll do anything to take my mind away from my heart,

and my heart to distract from what it's feeling.

Though nothing's been set or said,

nor have any decisions been made,

but I feel us fading away,

and the ghost of us, of you,

terrifies me for what I'd lose.

Though the reason is greater than you

or I, and I'm praying to him above, that this is only for a season,

I'm struggling with the feelings..

Feeling like I have to pull back,

that I have to protect myself,

That emotionally I'm too vulnerable,

Too aware,

Too close,

Just another minute please...

Why is this so hard?

I don't know what to do,

Or how to be..

I said that I'm pulling back to protect myself,

I'm feigning strength when I'm a mess,

Pretending to be fine,

fine on my own,

fine being okay.

I'm not...  

Yet the thought of not having you,

makes life seem a lot duller,

Colors seems off,

Tastes seem bland.

The world stops,

When all we've done is fly.

There's so much left for us to do,

I just want to see this through it all.

Funny how this is most likely all in my head,

As you have something larger than me that demands your attention,

And though logically I understand this,

and with all rationality I will be there for you through this..

Yet why is it hurting?

You tell me you miss me,

That you care for me,

Even love me,

Yet why am I hurting?

These things I can never find the right time to tell you,

As for right now it's not about me,

Yet it's here,

My heart hurts,

and I feel like we're slipping.

Insecurities I've never known I had, are suddenly ever present.

We've just had each other to go to this little while,

Our hidden support system. 

We've found so much comfort in each others arms,

In your space. 

In my space.

Even though this isn't the end,

and most likely just a phase, 

I can't help but feel this way,

and I feel lost trying to figure it all out.

So.

I'm going to stop trying to.

I will focus on the many things I have in my life,

and let the cards will fall as they may.

The truth to it all is this...

I'm not really pulling back from you.

Not when it's always been you since that night we met,

and I don't want that to change.

There isn't anyone else,

I can't even fathom it.

Just you, and the empty space where you've always filled. 

So for now at least,

I will pretend all is okay.

That I'm not struggling,

nor hurting.

We'll Focus on healing,

Focus on you becoming healthy.

So for this time, please don't stress over me.

We'll focus on the positives and revisit us as we can.

I can be in friend mode as that's what you need.

Though in my mind I will take myself back to that night we met,

and the many there after...

Your lips, your heart, your soul, bringing them all together with mine. 

We've come so far together, only to have no actual thing for the world to see,

So as the world came,

and took you from me,

I had no clue where I stood in it all.

I don't know if this is worse than actually ending things,

if this is all it'll be from here.. I won't go down that road.

We both know how that felt,

that one time we thought we'd be no more. 

We will find meaning in all of this,

and keep the light we've always had, if only a little of it.

You'll always have that little book,

that memento of us.

So for now,

be you and fight this. 

Rest,

Heal,

then rinse and repeat. 

You've got this.

If you ever want a break from it all,

I'll be here,

Willingly and happily. 

To this end I've found my happiness,

Found my contentment.

Being there for you is so fulfilling,

and I will, and can, for you.