Lost in the World.

Today was great, yesterday was fine.
Wait, what am I saying, the day's are always great.
Grey as they seem to be, except for those occasions,
When that little light come to the door,
and the color returns.

You see?
I'm alive..
I don't have to look over my shoulder anymore,
I have my own voice,
My own perspective,
my own say.

I don't feel the victim anymore,
Just that I went through something,
Something black,
Something dark.
Something harsh,
Something when pain became a numbness,
Where numbness became the norm,
and all else paled by comparison.

I'm healthy,
as a healthy one without Ms Corona,
can be.
Mentally I feel fine,
yeah.. just fine.
I have some bad days,
though mostly good days.
Good meaning,
My brain isn't on some whacked out fuck fest.
Where the walls feel like they're collapsing on me,
and I am suffocating.
No, those day's are few and far between now,
so that's the good I'm referring to.

I still believe,
Believing something not seen,
I have doubted,
but I still feel,
and I can't shake it.
I think it's a good thing.
To have a belief in something,
a Higher Power if you would.

Yet it's those night,
and weight descends,
where my mind is dragged down,
and my body get's anxious.
A sense of loneliness compounds,
and I can;t think straight.
Is it the silence that scares me?
Am I even scared?
I don't know,
other than I feel like crying,
10 times over,
yet I don't have a reason to.

It's weird because,
most days I feel ontop of the world,
as well I am.
I've conquered some crazy shit in my life,
and lived to tell the tale.

My little light is the most beautiful little person,
her soul is so pure,
her eyes sparkle so bright,
Her love is given,
Her trust I maintain.
I feel so blessed.
I've done something right,
and it's in her.
My little light, so bright.

So I have no reason to feel,
as if I'm collapsing,
like my mental walls are collapsing inwards,
and I want to implode.
It's always the nights,
I need to rework my nightly routine,
I'm sure that will help.

So here I am,
writing my thoughts,
singing my tunes.
That I may let out the fumes,
and smile a little brighter.

I do feel lonely.
And like everyone else,
crave that human intimacy I've but tasted bits of in the past.
Someday maybe,
though today is not that day.
I'm not sad about it,
I'm okay.
It's okay.
I'm happy I can say that with a smile.

I'm here.
I'm alive.
I have breath in my lungs.
A glimmer in my eye,
a peace in my heart,
a belief in my heart,
and a perspective through it all.

Love is still in my heart,
and I'm grateful for it.
Someday it will be given again,
To then,
and to this.
The silver lining to it all.
My perspective it is,
and with a smile I feel.
To this,
To now.
To me,
To her.
Whoever you are..