This mess of mine

Have you ever felt,

So lost in your mind that you can't see out?

That you're lost in the fluff,

Lost in the mess?

The mess of your actions?

Cleaning up,

to put away.

Yet you never started.

I'm tired.

I still hurt,

Though not like I did. 

I remember the days when a smile was truly a smile,

When I was 100% genuine,

no baggage,

no pain. 

Now it feels like a fake attempt to mask the scars underneath.

Most days are better than this one,

but today I'll feel,

I'll take off the mask and lay it all out.

When I think of love, I think of pain.

This mess is mine,

wrapped up in a bow by her. 

I've come to understand and accept,

that I can't change the uncontrollable,

but I can change me.

I can be a better version of me.

It's never easy,

and today, well today I'm don't want to fight.

This mess of mine,

Though almost clean,

It still lingers.

I remember that time,

it was after a fight from hell,

It was one of the few times I was able to get out with the cops being called,

I sat in my car while she blew up my phone.

"Where are you?"

"How dare you leave."

multiply that by 100 and you'll get the joist. 

I remember thinking while I was in my car,

sitting on that cold night,

on a road surrounded by construction,

"I could leave, I could just run and never look back."

Then I thought about my daughter to be,

that little person of mine,

that regardless of how hard it may be,

I have to at least try,

I needed to be there for when she was born.

And I wouldn't let her take that from me. 

So stayed I did,

It got much more ugly,

and much darker...

Though it's been over two years since that night,

and two years since I did leave,

The mess I made,

The mess that lingers..

and though I feel like it's stuck on me..

It's not,

and I'm okay.

Better than okay.

She's the reason I stayed, the reason I kept fighting.

Though I'm riddled with imperfections,

at last I have my Little Miss.

Today I hurt.

Today I will feel.

I'm happier alone, 

and happier than I could have imagined.

I have a lot to live for,

I had a lot to stay for.

But holy hell am I glad I left.

I was a husk of a man,

and darker than I've ever been.

Today I can look at it all in hindsight, 

and I'm glad I did what I did, even how I did it.

There's certain things I would have done differently,

but at least I'm still me. 

So here's to that mess,

Here's to that pain.

Without it, I would have never understood how much better life can be.

And though today I hurt,

today is also another day I am grateful,

grateful to be alive,

grateful to still be me.