A Missed Connection.

An old friend recently asked me how I was doing.
Fine I said, Fine I say...
Happy to be alive,
Happy to be me.
Glad to be at work,
Glad to be amongst the walking.
Excited for the unknown..

Yet, I wanted to say..

There's been a hole in my heart,
Too wide to fill,
Too wide to live with.
It hurts.
I heart.

Sure I'm a year better than 6 months ago,
and I feel more me than ever,
It is true.

And please...
I know I've been through a lot.
I know I cant control what has been,
Just what will.

I get this.

Yet at times,
I still get caught up in the should haves,
The what could of's
and the always tomorrow.

I'm tired,
I'm overwhelmed.
And at the base of it,
There's always more I can do,
Always more to be.

The drain keeps circling,
and sometimes I feel like I keep on the rounding.

I know better..

Yet I still try to control the uncontrollable's,
Sometimes I can't stop,
or so I've felt.
Everyday is a new fight,
fighting the same fight.

I know better...
Yet..

Life moves forward,
I move forward,
yet I feel like I don't.
Things are so much better,
yet so things are still the same.

My mind struggles with escaping,
struggles with being able to look passed.
Hell... I know better.

Somedays.. I just hurt.
Not as frequently as before.
Actually rarely.

But it's still there.
I get lost in my mind,
I always come back,
This process has been painful,
but it's getting ever easier.

I like it best when friends of mine say things that elude to them knowing better,
or things I should do different,
I appreciate their love,
Appreciate their time.

They don't know,
Not truly,
Not to this extent.
It's my private war,
And I have enough personal allies,
Enough of they who know it all,
They to whom I trust.